2014 The Year To Bring Bullying To Its Knees

I posted this in January but was unable to get it to Facebook until today. I am sharing this old post with you because it says a great deal about what is happening in my life.


I have been silent for several months as my son lost his battle with melanoma in late October. Many people have shared with me that I helped make many of his dreams come true. He led a full life as a person with disabilities and he was and is not only my Creator of Joy(CJ) but also all who knew him. He touched so many and he leaves a legacy rich in kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, humor and joy. He is and will be sorely missed now and for always.

I love you, Dar, you are perfect just the way you are!DSCN0159

Darren was and is my inspiration for my commitment to Emotional Intelligence and my program, The Voices of CJ,”. Losing Darren has only fueled my longtime dream and desire to put bullying to rest once and for all. With your help and your willingness to step up to the plate and begin to share and incorporate the attributes of emotional intelligence in your everyday activities, we will create emotionally safe environments for children and adults alike. This is as important as any cause for this affects the emotional lives of so many and the choices they make. Their choices affect all of us each and every day.

I need your help. Let me know what you are able to do even if it is to remember to say a positive remark to all you come in contact with tomorrow. We Are The Voices We Hear!

2014 The Year To Bring Bullying To Its Knees

My bullying blog was silent for several months when my son lost his battle with melanoma in October. Many have shared with me that I helped make his dreams come true. He led a full life as a person with disabilities. He was not only my Creator of Joy(CJ) but also all who knew him. He leaves a legacy rich in kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, humor and joy. He is and will be sorely missed now and for always. a href=”http://circustime.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/DSCN01591-e1388877598576.jpg”>DSCN0159
By sharing my blog (www.howwestopbullying.com), we can begin to make this happen.

Hello CJs,

Time to take an inventory of your parenting.
1. Does your child say kind things to you, his siblings and his peers?
2. Does your child have a positive attitude about himself and others?
3. Is he a willing helper when asked?
4. Can your child calm himself down when upset or does he spiral?
5. Does saying he is sorry come easily? Does he accept apologies from others?
6. When playing, he is fair, willing to compromise/share?
7. Is saying thank you happening when being helped or given a gift?

Sooooo…how did your children do? Or better yet, how are you doing?
Share your feelings, please!


Systems are Bullies Too

Hello CJs,

Interesting day today. I think rules need exceptions. Companies get too big/lose their personal compassion. It takes a great deal of emotional energy to rectify mistakes that they make. No one is accountable. I was passed around to 7 different departments having to tell the same story, a painful one. They were all sorry yet they could not correct a mistake a manager at their company made nor give me a reason why she made it. Daniel Goleman, the EI guru, works with companies today to re-sensitize them. For they are bullies in a different sense yet bullies they are. Empathy/compassion is not just I’m sorry but it needs kind action. Healthcare, insurance are prime examples.

I truly felt bullied today by a big system and its computers. I am sure that you all have had this experience. Systems without empathy and compassion lack emotional intelligence. We need to start fixing this!

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog.

Would love to hear your comments which you can now write!


Persist…the Rewards Are Many!

Hello CJs!

Since yesterday, I have a new customer care service agent who straightened it all out. I guess they didn’t want me talking to the President when he gets back from their big seminar. Like this will stop me. I would like to think it had to do with empathy/compassion. I believe fear was a motivating factor. How sad. I titled yesterday’s post, “Systems are Bullies too!” Over the years, advocating for my son, I learned how to persist. It took so much energy dealing with bureaucratic bullies. I did succeed. It’s even harder today to get these big systems to do the right thing. I am grateful I live in US and can persist without fearing for my life. Yet, we have to do better!

Do not let these big companies bully you into acceptance. Fight the battle and get them to acknowledge their humanity. It will take more of us doing this to make changes to these broken systems.

Emotional Intelligence is built by persisting in the face of frustration and feeling the gratefulness for your stamina and courage. It made me who I am today. I am more courageous and more
willing to risk my vulnerability for it has strengthened my resolve with greater emotional rewards.

Write and tell me your successes and how you feel. Sharing your successes makes them real and helps so many in the process.

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog.

Gratefully yours, Karen

Let’s Teach Our Kids Healthy Connection by Modeling It

Hello CJs,

Today I was reading the GPS for the Soul. An article inspired me. I am passing on the essence of it. It speaks to an important EI attribute, helping others feel good about themselves. CJ teaches children to give Gifts of Love. It helps them to feel empathy/compassion generating healthy connection. Saying nice things to others is the best gift you can give since we are the voices we hear, thus a Gift of Love. Adults, here are 7 wonderful gifts of love that you can share. You’re a great person, you’re a really strong person, your work on that project was incredible, you inspire me, you are a wonderful mother,you are an amazing friend. You too feel its impact, generosity of spirit!

Do you stop to say these things to the people in your life?
Looking forward to your comments.

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog. Karen

90 % of 4th to 8th Graders are Victims of Some Kind of Bullying!

Hello CJs

This statistic was reported in bullyingstatics.org in 2010. I believe this, do you? This is outrageous and what are we doing about it? Addressing this crime of children vs. children, is tantamount in reducing crime in neighborhoods, drugs amongst teenagers, and stress in the workplace, to name a few. Actually, we would be living in a peaceful, kind and loving environment where children succeeded to the best of their abilities and parenting became the focus of the family. Our persistent need to focus lack of success in other directions is about accountability and who wants to be accountable? Is it really about test scores. All schools are focused on the end result and yet it has been shown in studies and experiments even in the last 10 years that when the focus is on students engaging respectfully in activities where they feel joy,success, and relationship that test scores rise and children reach their potential.

New York did a great experiment with ballroom dancing. It even became a movie. And we didn’t even notice all the incredible results of that experiment. The students were grades 4-8 and the reduction in bullying was significant, test scores went through the roof, and the best of all, the students learned to respect each other and work together and they were happy!

Though the experiment was not noted as Emotional Intelligence, all the behaviors taught and encouraged were exactly that. And so why isn’t every school teaching ballroom dancing? Why are they eliminating art and music? And so goes the right brain and all the nurturing and developing of it with all its ramifications of socially inappropriate children.

There is a great way to address a bully! It is builds confidence and motivates one self to reach goals and set boundaries. When someone speaks a demeaning voice to you, just simply say, “May I Have A Happy Thought, Please!” I know this sounds weird but it works. I have taught many children to say this to their bullies. It is risky and makes them vulnerable but it is safe and it answers a negative with a positive. The bullies are flummoxed and though it may not work the first round, it does work eventually. The bullied child feels empowered, confident they can take care of themselves and it motivates success. Yup, all that from one phrase!!!

Please comment! I would love to hear from you, Karen

A Second Chance

Hello CJs,

Today I was having a conversation with a very dear friend about my stop bullying blog and my commitment to creating emotionally safe environments for children. As I have written before, I was bullied for many years. I spent many years in counseling. I experienced periods of time in my life when my life was run by desperateness, neediness and anxiety. My only safe environment was home alone. And I segregated myself from life a great deal. And each time I decided to risk it again, I would experience the same feelings and step back into segregated safe place of mine.

I did a process called EMDR and reprocessed all those negative belief systems and my life as I knew it changed. However, I suffered a great deal of emotional pain and that doesn’t have to happen today if we raise children to be emotionally intelligent. I am emotionally intelligent now.

My dear friend and I spoke today of my getting a second chance at life. I feel that way. But so many do not and we lose too many of our adults to unhappiness due to the negative voices that have plagued them since childhood.

Stand with me and please share my stop bullying blog with all the people you feel can help us to begin raising a new generation of children…a new generation of CJs…Creators of Joy.


Anniversary of Columbine/15 Years

Hello CJs
Where were you were when Columbine happened? I was working in a local high school. There were students who did not respond with the emotional maturity of teenagers raised with compassion/empathy. We had bomb threats/gun threats/teacher threats.
Dateline, this past Sunday, aired the story of a student who survived the violence perpetrated upon Columbine. He is still suffering emotional ramifications. He decided to visit other high schools having experienced this violence hoping for healing and support.

This violence is still occurring 15 years later. Bullied children are still turning to violence to express their hurt and vengeance. Gun control? Is it enough? Or is there more we have to do?

Are We Born With Emotional Intelligence Skills?

Hello CJs,
We think that we are born with certain abilities and we are! Abilities have to be developed. We are given the capacity to learn through our left brain/natural intelligence. However, we also have to be exposed to the information. We are given the ability to think/create new ideas through our right brain yet these skills must be learned. We are not born with EI. We are given the emotional centers of the brain in which to learn these attributes. The seven EI skills are acquired through parenting and social experiences.

And so we have bullies because this is what they learned and experienced.

Please feel free to comment, Karen

Are you Emotionally Intelligent?

Hello CJs,
It is time to do your own personal inventory.. it is still a journey I travel each and every day!
1. Are you empathetic, sharing kind messages with family, friends/strangers?
2. Is your inner dialogue and conversation positive and motivating?
3. Can you delay gratification/control impulses?
4. Are you able to regulate your moods and self-soothe?
5. Can you keep distress from shutting you down..ability to forgive?
6. Do you have hopes, dreams/goals and compromise/modify when needed.
7. Can you persist in the face of frustration? Focus on what you have (gratefulness)
So, how did you do?

As Promised…How do Emotionally Intelligent People Self-Soothe and Calm Themselves

Hello Friends,
If you are a follower of Dancing With The Stars, you would have seen Candance B. having anxiety about doing live TV. She was filmed meeting with a sports counselor who gave her tips on how to overcome this problem.

Lo and Behold…the suggestions were to do deep breathing and to begin positive self-talk with also saying affirmations about your abilities. “I am confident when performing on live TV.” The repetition of this affirmation and others changes your energy.

Here is a fun thing to try with your children and friends that proves this phenomenon. Hold your arm out and repeat a positive affirmation a few times and have someone try and get your arm down. You will hold strong and they will not be able to get your arm down. Then say a negative statement a few times and with your arm out once again, you will not be able to hold strong. Yes, this is how an emotionally intelligent child or adult can learn to self-soothe and calm down. It is easy and that is just what Candace said. The proof was in the pudding last night.

Being a Great Helper Builds An Important EI Attribute

Hello CJs

Yesterday I talked about service and its link to Emotional Intelligence. It is interesting. The ability to control impulses and delay gratification(one of the 7 attributes of EI) is developed by being a great helper. You build feelings of capable, responsible, dependable, flexible, kindness/goodness. When you are helping you make mistakes/have to redo things, do things you don’t like to do, be courteous,work as a team. You control your own needs to meet someone else’s. Thank yous come later or there is no thank you, just a knowing you made a difference.
So, if the right messages are given when children help, they learn these attributes, controlling impulses and delaying gratification.

Helping others especially those less fortunate, is a great equalizer for our bullies and if they are given the right feedback, they too can develop this important attribute of Emotional Intelligence.

Thank you for visiting my Stop Bullying blog. Please comment. Help me make this happen!!! Nothing else has worked. Actually, it has gotten worse!


Being Grateful/Bullies Feel So Deprived

Hello My Fellow CJs,

Being grateful is a very important skill that is part of becoming emotionally intelligent. I thought I was being so grateful until my teenage daughter at the time was complaining constantly about all the designer clothes she didn’t have. I was a single parent and couldn’t afford them but believe me she was always dressed stylishly and within our means. I couldn’t understand her ungratefulness. I was doing the best that I could. I posed this dilemma to a counselor of mine.

Be careful asking a question to a person who is going to give you a straight answer. My counselor said that I was teaching her this. “Who Me?” Well, I was grateful for some things but she heard me complaining about money and what I couldn’t afford. She just changed it up to not having designer clothes. Oh my, I had to clean up my act. As a result of this, I started a great thing that lasted for years. Every Friday night, I had lots of guests on Friday nights, we would say “our gratefuls”. In just several months, I didn’t hear those complaints out of either of us and a wonderful tradition was started.

Pick a night at your dinner table and say those gratefuls. Watch what wonderful things occur!

Bullied Children/Become Bullies?

Hello CJs!
It is not unusual for children who were bullied to become bullies. We learn from our parents/our peers how to relate to one another. Those who do not become bullies internalize the bully voices. They often bully themselves with those negative voices. The results play out in their lives. They hurt themselves instead of others.
We can stop these bully voices. Stop, take a breath and ask yourself or the bully a CJ question, “Can I have a happy thought, please? or if you prefer “Can I have a higher thought, please? Stop those voices in their tracks. It does work! It sounds so silly. Have you got a better idea? Remember, We Are The Voices We Hear!

Bullies really don’t feel superior! Just Inadequate.

Hello CJs

The 2nd negative thought we all have at some time is, “They’re better than I am.”
Are they better, or different? We all have our place in this world molded by past generations, where we were born, circumstances surrounding our birth. Yet, there is a common denominator. We are all humans born with an intelligence, emotions, feelings. We all have the capacity to choose kindness/respect. Let’s teach our children that we may be different, unique but no one is better. Let’s be emotionally intelligent each day. Watch your world then the world around us change for the better. The domino effect begins with you. Each of us has a part to play no part more important than another. #3 tomorrow.

Have you had this thought? What did you do about it? Did you change it?

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog. Don’t forget to visit the CJ store.

My Best, Karen

Bullies Swamp Your Ability to Think!

Hello CJs, Well I do have an apology. In checking this page recently, I realized that there is no space to comment. I am so sorry. I worked on this all day yesterday with no result. The WordPress guru is now working on it and he is stumped. Oh, how I hope that this will be resolved to day.

Have you ever noticed that when something is bothering you, it is hard to distract yourself and think. One of the EI attributes is “Keeping Distress From Swamping the Ability to Think.” This is often the case when someone has hurt you or you have hurt someone. It could be a boss, friend, relative or just a rude person. Being able to communicate your hurt or feelings of regret or practice forgiveness is what diminishes the distress/frees up the energy for clear thinking/focus. One of the Key Characteristics for School Readiness is the capacity to communicate and admitting wrong/saying I’m sorry. How many children do you think have this characteristic? Are we teaching this to our little ones?

I believe that if we taught this skill, we would have much fewer incidents of bullying!!! All those angry feelings that bullies feel themselves would be addressed and the need to hurt others less of a need. This is a much better way to dissipate that energy that needs expression one way or another.

Children who are bullied have a difficult time with concentration and being able to stay present in school. I was one of those children. It is so much safer to go somewhere else in your mind. I missed so much and remember so little from those years. School was a challenge for me in every way. How did I get smarter once school was behind me????

Thanks for supporting my Stop Bullying Blog. Comments Soon!!!


Bullying Begins At Home Inside You!

Hello CJs

This weekend I was reading Huffpost GPS for the Soul. It has valuable messages. One of the articles talked about the 3 negative thoughts that we all have at some time. The first was, “I’m not___enough.” Each person can substitute their own words. Their suggestions certainly mirror the positive self-talk that builds EI. If you allow this thought to control your day, actions, feelings of worth, a downward spiral is likely. And then we have children learning to complain/feel as you do. Let’s stop the generational passing on of the I’m not enough thought. All of us are enough with different talents/capabilities/needs. Our children deserve to know this!

Below is the wikipedia definition of bullying.

Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively impose domination over others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual.

It doesn’t sound like you do this do yourself. But we do. This is where it begins for the I’m not enough thought causes an imbalance in our emotional well being. That energy has to go somewhere.

Tomorrow the #2 thought we all have.

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog. Share your comments and feelings with me of how that thought created unpleasantness in your life.

Talk to you soon, Karen

PS Check out our CJ store on Amazon!

Can We Stop Bullying????

Bullying has been around for a very long time and is only getting worse with the added technology ways to bully someone.

It seems as though we can’t stop bullying no matter what is being tried in the schools. Reactionary programs are rarely successful. Say No To Drugs…..well we see where that has taken us. When I was working in a high school as a learning specialist for 9 years, this was our slogan. Drugs are more rampant and more available than ever. However, teenagers were never counseled or taught as what to say yes to.

It is the same with bullying. We have programs in every school now that address character development. This is suppose to reduce bullying. Well, that hasn’t happened. Character is developed with a strong emotional intelligence. It is the old story. What came first the chicken or the egg? In this case, studies are being done to show that the development of the seven attributes of emotional intelligence leads to children developing character or the ability to demonstrate kindness, consideration, empathy, helpfulness, tolerance of differences and a willingness to allow mistakes without retribution.

Let me know what you think and if you have questions….please ask.

Challenges of Motivating Oneself

Hello CJs, though this post is not about bullying, it is about Emotional Intelligence.

One of the EI attributes that is giving me some issues today is “motivating oneself”. I got off track with doing my yoga/meditation everyday. I keep promising myself that I will get me back to Curves. I came so close today. But I just didn’t make it. I was sitting here thinking how I use to motivate myself to go into Curves at the end of a long work day. I use to promise me a reward. Karen, I will make you pork chops. Karen, I will buy you Turkey Hill ice cream. None of these are working. Someone, please come up with a new reward/incentive!!!! Oh no, I may have to be a grown up EI adult and let the reward be feeling good. This going to take a lot of positive self-talk. I can do this?

Thanks for joining me on my Stop Bullying Blog. How do you motivate yourself to do the things that are really good for you that you resist? Please share with me your ideas!!!!


Changes to This Website…Not a Walk in the Park

Hello CJs

Another EI Attribute Saves the Day! This So Works even if you are the victim of bullying.

Today I was a victim of my website. Frustration and then more frustration. But I did win! I did persist in the face of frustration( one of the 7 EI attributes). I kept saying to myself. I am grateful that at my age…(1) I can see the computer screen without my glasses (2) I have all my passwords written down (3) I remembered to take a breath and not throw the computer out the window. (4) Denise was here for me to vent to. (5) I can still understand what the support people are saying (6) I work at home so no one could hear the expletives (7) I work at home so I could get my chocolate…that was the deal breaker. (8) And last but not least…I am grateful that it is time for dinner!!!!!

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog.

Your comment are welcome and encouraged!


Cyberbullying/ Makes It A 1000000 Times Worse

When I was a child, bullying happened on the playground, in the classroom, at home, etc. Now it becomes public in an instant and there is no way to take it back. I was devastated by the bullying on the playground, in my classroom, and unknowingly by my parents. Yes, I suffered from low self-esteem, making bad choices, poor body images, and a inert feeling of “not good enough.” It followed me wherever I went and whoever I chose with whom to interact. All my relationships suffered.

But today, that would have been enhanced a million times over. I can not wrap my brain around this and I know that I probably would not be here today. I might have been one of those statistics of children committing bullycide. Being as sensitive as I am, it has taken many years of counseling, self-awareness workshops, reading and a method called EMDR(Eye Movement Densensitizing and Reprocessing) to save my life and to enjoy feelings of self-worth and balance.

It will take a world-wide community of conscious individuals practicing Emotional Intelligence on a daily basis to bring an end to this debilitating behavior that affects every individual some time in their life.

Let’s begin by Giving Gifts of Love…a kind message about that person..to whomever crosses your path. This creates empathy and relatedness and we are on our way.

Please comment and let me know how you are making a difference in the voices they you hear and speak.

Do Bullies Have This Thought Every Day?

The #3 negative thought that most of us have is, “Can something just go right for once.” We do go through periods in our lives where things come in 3s or maybe more. Children experience this too when they are having troubles at school or with peers. They also listen carefully to our language/our reactions and model them. I learned this personally, huge lesson! Do we play victim, use victim language, for how long? Being a victim does not bring resolution. It doesn’t change the flow of energy. However, we do have a choice. An EI attribute of persisting in the face of frustration, asks us to focus on the positive, be grateful for those small moments in hard times. It so works. It teaches our children how to deal with real life in a very positive way and it helps bring answers and help.

How do you handle hard times? Do you like being a victim? Please share with me.

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog. Please visit Our CJ store on Amazon.

Gratefully yours, Karen

Do You Know If Your Child Is Being Bullied?

Hello CJs,

Statistics tell us that most bullying is not reported. Children will not tell their parents/teachers/friends. They do not want their parents going to school. They do not want to be singled out by their teachers. They have too much shame to tell their friends.
Parents ask the right questions. Was everyone nice to you today? Did you feel happy at school today? Teachers be on the look out. Don’t wait for it to come to you. Schools are in the dark because most bullying happens without notice. Seventy-five percent is not reported. Teachers, you know who those bullies are! Let’s make those bullies accountable!

Please share your comments!

Emotional Intelligence/Happiness/No More Bullies?

An article appeared in the Huffington Post today suggested nine ways to increase our happiness on a daily basis. Seven of the nine were CJ voices/ actions that promote emotional intelligence.
1. An act of kindness (helpfulness, service)
2. Schedule Fun (to hope and dream)
3. Flow…distractions such as projects where you lose yourself (motivating oneself )
4. Eating Healthy (regulating one’s moods/hungry kids & people are not nice.)
5. Call a friend (empathize/share)
6. Express Gratitude (persist in the face of frustration) Switching our focus to what we are grateful for at trying times.
And this is the way to end bullying, yes????

Helpful Little Beings/ Creators of Joy

Hello CJs! We will stop bullying, one Emotionally Intelligent Child at a time!!!

It’s summertime parents. A great time to work on social skills. You are spending more time with your children on vacations, the beach, days at the pool. Being with kind, helpful,grateful little beings helps. Here is a suggestion that helps promote EI skills leading to calmer more enjoyable quality time. Find ways for your children to help you. The greatest esteem builder of all times. It teaches them to delay their own needs(self-gratification) to meet the needs of their others (siblings, grandparents, and you). Appreciate their efforts. Reinforce the good feelings of kind, helpful, loving, smart. Ask them to share these feelings with positive self-talk. “I am kind.” “Yes, you are!”

Don’t forget to visit our site on Amazon. Just go to Shop for CJ Products on our menu and you will almost be there. Having CJ and the book and CD will help reinforce these skills. Though the CJ website is still under reconstruction, feel free to visit there, www.creatorofjoy.com.

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog. Please share your comments. Let me know how your helpful little beings are doing!

Helpfully yours, Karen

How To Respond To A Bully

Hello CJs

Today I was remembering times when I first began to write CJ. I had just learned about positive thinking and speaking. I thought I was one of the most positive people around. I was working on this. My children were young and I wanted to create a way to ask them to rethink what they were saying and to re-frame it in a positive way. I came up with, “Can I have a happy thought, please?” We would play this game in the car during our many carpooling hours. Guess who was asked that question more times than I could count in a car ride. They thought is was so much fun. I was devastated. How could this be, “Miss Positive Herself.”

My preschoolers that I was teaching this program too loved playing the Happy Thought Game. Teachers used it effectively to stop the children from picking on each other and it worked! Positive thoughts builds confidence an EI attribute.

You want to stop a bully cold just say, “Can I have a happy thought, please?” It takes courage and risk taking but oh does it build Emotional Intelligence. If you have teenagers, “Can I have a higher thought, please?” When you stop negative energy with positive energy, you get results. Maybe not the first time..but keep on doing it.

Love to hear your comments and please give the “Happy Thought Game” a try.

How to Stop a Playground Bully

Hello CJs,

I promised a story and so here it goes. Quite a few years ago, I was doing my CJ emotional intelligence program at an after school program. There was a young 3rd grade girl, do not remember here name, who was being bullied every day in the playground during lunch. She had complained to her teacher. That hadn’t worked. The principal was told and attempted to put an end to it. But the boys were clever and it became a he said, she said. She complained at home but that didn’t work for her either. Her parents were too busy working and trying to stay ahead of the game. When I was teaching her CJ’s way of stopping bullying, she asked if it would work on the bullies out in the playground. Well, honestly, back then, I was hopeful. I was also hopeful that she would try it and see if it worked. At first, she was very reluctant, but with encouragement and the real desire to stop it, she decided to be so courageous and give it a try.

Now she really needed courage for this one. My belief is that attacking your bully is not the answer. Ignoring it, does not stop it. But blasting it with positive energy and putting the onus back on them, well I know it worked so far and was hoping this instance would be no different. What she had to do is wait for those 5 mean boys to show their ugliness. And of course they did. She was to say to them, “Can I have a happy thought, please?”

Yes, that is the phrase all right! She was courageous and she did it. So what happened. Well, the first time she did it, they just laughed at her and continued to bully her and she just kept saying it. They eventually walked away. Then day 2, right on schedule, they arrived in her little corner of the playground. They started taunting and she said the same one sentence, “Can I have a happy thought, please?” This time 3 stayed but 2 walked away just shaking their heads. She was encouraged!

Day 3 and this time only 4 showed up. She was making progress. They began their usual nasty remarks. Now,
what did she say? Yup, “Can I have a happy thought,please?” Well, one walked away and the three left just looked at her but they did become quiet. She was quite excited as she related this to me.

Day 4….only 2 showed up and began their taunting and guess what she said, yes, “Can I have a happy thought, please?” Well, they stopped and she felt good.

Day 5…lo and behold….the bullies were gone and she felt like a million bucks and she and I had a good cry together and she saw that she was powerful enough to stop the bullies herself.

This is a true story and one that I tell at every workshop I do especially with the kids. It has helped and given many children the words they need to confront a bully. Let’s stop the bullies in elementary school. This is not as easy in middle school. However, I have used it and there are children using it.

My little friend felt many things and I helped to put those feelings to words with CJ’s affirmations. I said that she needed to say to herself, positive self talk…so important…I am powerful, I am courageous, I am smart, I am persistent, and the best one of all…I am lovable. This is a great way to self soothe when you are upset..will share that another time.

So CJs out there…give it a try..the next time you are bullied, “Can I have a happy thought, please?”, and let me know what happens!!

Let’s stop bullying, one emotionally intelligent child at a time! Karen

Is Bullying a Symptom or a Disease?

Hello CJs

My associate and I have spent some time reading different websites on bullying. We have not seen any references to Emotional Intelligence. We have seen recommendations to parents and teachers of discussion topics and how parents can illicit information from their children to determine if their child is a victim of bullying. Yet, bullying is still alive and active in environments where adults/children learn, live and work. Programs/media awareness have not cured this societal ill that causes so much emotional pain. The old saying, “Are we treating the symptoms or the disease itself?” Is raising a generation of Emotionally Intelligent adults/children treating the disease and is it the cure?
Visit our store on Amazon. Just click on this link.

Please share with me your thoughts and comments on my stop bullying blog. Would love to hear from you.

Help Me Stop Bullying, Karen

Is School Change A Good Idea for the Victim of Bullying

Hello CJs,

A few years back I was exercising at Curves and one of my fellow lady Curvers had a daughter that was being Bullied who also came to Curves . She was attending a local high school and several girls made her life miserable. Her daughter went into counseling but her anxiety kept mounting and she was suffering now from physical issues. Mom and I talked often and I so much liked her daughter who came sometimes with mom and sometimes at other times.

Mom knew that I worked with different schools offering an after school tutoring program and knew that I was a Learning Consultant. We weighed all the pros and cons and finally I suggested that she visit that other school in the township(they had two high schools), talk with a guidance counselor and have her daughter do the same.

After much debate over the summer months, she and mom(yes, it was a decision made together) decided she would change schools. It was a good decision. Her life turned around, she made new friends, and her physical issues were resolved. Just for the record, I felt that she would be better off changing schools.

There are many issues to consider. But the most important one of all is your child’s emotional well being. Every child deserves to be in an emotionally safe environment. This problem can be resolved at the school but it would take too long and at the cost of the victim’s emotional well being. This problem is insidious and it needs the support of parents and school administrators alike to find not only the band-aid solution but the one that transforms a community.

Even though the victims change schools, they are left with deep wounds that affect them for a long time. The solution allows the victim to not be re-wounded each and every day and healing can begin. They need counseling and lots of support from home. Becoming Emotionally Intelligent was my ultimate healing, the one we all can benefit from for it is also the healing of the areas of the brain that respond to positive input and restoration.

Please comment and let me know what your decision was and why! Karen

Just a Few Statistics on Bullying and Schools

Hello Everyone,

I thought I would share with you some interesting statistics on how often bullying happens in our schools:

* More than 160,000 children stay home from school each day from fear of being bullied. And these are only the ones that tell their parents that they are being bullied.

* 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally and physically

* Playground statistics (my worst nightmare as a child) Every 7 minutes a child is bullied.

* Bullying is the most common form of violence.

I thought these were amazing statistics and worth sharing. I also would like to give children a way to stop being bullied. My next blog will relate a true story and what unusual method works. CJ at work!!!

Have a good night and write to me!!! Karen

Liked It??? Loved It!!!

Hello CJs

This past Sunday I had a great deal for which to be grateful. It could have been a sad day. It was the unveiling of my son, Darren’s, memorial monument. I was surrounded by the love of my husband, children, family, Bancroft family, and dear friends. We celebrated his wonderful life. Then came back to our home to eat and play, Darren’s two favorite activities. The water balloons were a big hit! Thank you everyone for helping me get through these past months. They say that grief transforms you. This is so true. I experience life so much more fully with so much more compassion and acceptance. I miss him everyday but I also know that I must honor is goodness and life by helping others learn and experience their goodness and worth.

Darren and I are still quite a team as we were when he graced this earth. I know that he will help me find the ways to create emotionally safer environments for children and adults alike. He was an emotionally intelligent person with disabilities who touched so many. His legacy of kindness, strength and courage lives on. Please help me share the importance of teaching emotional intelligence to our children to help stop the bullying. This was my dream for many years. Yet, Darren taught me how to be a Creator of Joy. His take on life…liked it? Loved it!!!

Please comment and share your thoughts. Karen

Moms can be Bullies on a Bad Day

Hello CJs

Yesterday I talked about positive self-talk/my experience at Graterford Prison. Positive self-talk is the equalizer for being able to regulating one’s moods, an EI attribute. Life can be a pain in the butt. During a day, we can experience a myriad of emotions. Some of them challenging. The day starts with morning routine with the possibility of frustrations, bad hair, kid trauma. Off to work you go. There you have people with their stuff. Then errands with grumpy kids or employees. Home again with homework, bills, dinner, etc. Being able to remain stable, contained and sane definitely rocky. Take a breath, say something/several wonderful things to yourself as in “I am a good mom!” It helps!

Thanks for visiting my Stop Bullying Blog.

Have you had a day like this, you wonderful mother, you??? Please try this and let me know! Looking forward to your feedback.



Hello Readers,

Life is a series of actions that affects us. My son’s illness has given me many new lessons and awareness. The most important one is that since my learning how to be emotionally intelligent, I have been able to endure this nightmare with relative calm and perspective. That doesn’t mean that I am not sad and hurting. I use my EI skills everyday. I share positive thinking with others(gifts of love). I choose happy thoughts when the negative overwhelms me. Being the caregiver, I stop and appreciate myself and the role I am engaged in acknowledging my goodness and kindness(so important for caregivers), to self-soothe when I am beyond frustrated with doctors and hospital staff, I stop and say I messages to calm me down so I can have clarity of thought once again. I try to forgive the ignorance of those that need to pay more attention to the details I share about being my son’s legal guardian and what that means. This is a hard one as they are always testing me on this one. I do not let the doctors intimate me and believe me that is new behavior on my part.

I try to maintain a sense of humor with my son and my family and friends even when it is just so bleak. And most important, I try to remember all the goodness in my life and be grateful for all the love and support that is coming my way. Yup, I use my EI skills every day. What would I do without them. I don’t even want to think about that. I know how different I am now from when my son was small and I had so many challenges to face. I didn’t have all this to support me and guide me.

We will do this together! I will be sharing the seven EI abilities one at a time and how you can make this a part of your daily activities and your family times.

Please let me know how I can help you and please write me your thoughts.

Now Available on Amazon/ Items to Help You Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children

Hello CJs

I am excited to report that I am now selling items from SoftStone Products, Inc. on Amazon. If you want to take a look, go to Toys and Games, Children’s Learning and Development and then Basic Skills. There you will find some wonderful items for children ages 3-10 that teaches them the 7 attributes of Emotional Intelligence with fun and loving activities that helps them to be kind, compassionate, forgiving and grateful. There is a children’s storybook and CD, posters, CJ Stuffed Toy, etc. Please visit my website, http://buff.ly/1tviuUR to read how raising emotionally intelligent children can begin to lower incidents of the demeaning behavior of bullying.

Percentage of Absences in Schools From Bullying is Surprising

Hello CJs,

Are children claiming to be sick because they can’t face another day of being bullied at school? All those headaches, stomach aches and aches and pains are they real or symptomatic of anxiety and stress from facing another day of dealing with a bully or plural that.

Are you as parents asking questions about the symptoms or are you taking them at face value? I know that I was never asked but that was a long time ago. It is important that parents ask these questions and delve into the possibility of your child being a victim of bullying.

Set up the scenario that your child will not be punished for faking illness if they speak the truth and share with you what is happening at school. Also, please don’t go off running to school without a plan and something your child will see as reasonable and will not cause embarrassment. For this is another fear that children have.

How do we help children self-soothe and calm those nerves. This is one of the Emotional Intelligence skills. It has an easy solution and can be accomplished quietly and in one’s own mind. Affirmations or affirming our wholeness creates positive energy gives us the ability to calm down and reduce stress. There is no clear thinking in stressful situations. We shut down or we react inappropriately. So what does an affirmation look like. It is an I message to oneself. I am lovable, I am good, I am Kind, I am courageous, I am brave, I am confident…so forth and so on until the stress is relieved.

It works by gosh…it works. Putting them up in your child’s room also helps so that they are saying them as they enter their rooms, get dressed, going to sleep.

The percentage of absences from bullying in schools today is 15%. That is just astounding. Yes, it is higher in middle and high schools. Or if 20 children are absent that day, 2 may be from bullying. And how many wanted to stay home and didn’t?

If you learn the truth, would you let your child stay home? Please comment and let me know what you would do.

Remember,” We Are The Voices We Hear!” Let’s hear and speak only good voices!

Perfect Just The Way We Are!!!!

Hello CJs

Today I was sitting in my garden and loving my beautiful flowers. Flowers have always had a very special meaning for me. They have always reflected back to me the many colors, shapes and sizes that we all are to each other. No one prettier than another just unique unto themselves as we are. This perspective of flowers came to me when I was attempting to figure out where I fit in and what I believed about the world around me. Even in the winter time, I love to have flowers in my home to remind me of the preciousness of life and how colorful and fragile life is. The flowers in my garden need to be nurtured and protected as do we all especially our children so they can grow up in kindness and love.

Looking forward to your comments on my stop bullying blog. It is important that we see each other as unique, different but Perfect Just the Way We Are!!!!!

Visit my Amazon Store and type in SoftStone Products. We sell T-shirts in all sizes and buttons that say just that.

I Love You , You Are Perfect Just The Way You Are

I Love You , You Are Perfect Just The Way You Are

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Self-Control/Emotional Intelligence/Bullies

Hello friends,

What does self-control, Emotional Intelligence and Bullies have in common. Emotional self-control(one of the seven attributes of EI) is a very interesting necessity in being successful in school/business/relationships. When we are out of control, it doesn’t always mean that we are angry or raging. It means that we are making choices that do not serve our well being that create inner/outer chaos. It can be yelling at traffic, excess of anything, addictive behaviors, over extension of activities, etc.

But lack of self-control begins in childhood. How we learn to self-soothe and calm ourselves down when we are confronted with negative situations as children extends into adulthood only the issues are more extensive and have rippling effects.

Bullies learn about lack of self-control at home and from their peers. They model what they see and experience. They then go out and do the same to others to make them feel better. Yes, this is how bullies self-soothe and displace their own feelings of inadequacy. We can learn to self-soothe so easily. Positive self-talk or affirmations do self-soothe and calm. Sounds so easy and yet it has eluded us forever.

Stay tuned tomorrow for more on this topic.


The Power of Positive Self Talk

Hello CJs

Last night we had guests for an informal barbecue. We sat talking of how they were learning ways to be more positive/techniques for relaxing/clearing their minds. We talked about positive self-talk. Once again I got to show how the simple arm test demonstrates how positive statements strengthen you/negative ones weaken you. I recounted a story of a program I did at Graterford Prison with Lifers who were very big! I picked a 7 ft man. They were all laughing wondering how little ole me was going to take this guys arm down. Took that arm right down! He looked at his fellow inmates and said, “Whatever she says, listen or you will have to deal with me! And these were the biggest bullies of all.

Thanks for joining me on my Stop Bullying Blog. Please share your comments with me.

Have a great day, Karen

The Unexpected Importance of Service

Hello CJs,

This past week I have been volunteering at Bancroft. My son, Darren, spent 20 years of his life as part of this wonderful organization. They are my family. I appreciate being able to continue my service there. They surround me with love and warmth that is healing keeping me connected to Darren’s purposeful and cherished life. My favorite project Staff Appreciation is in progress. I am grateful for this opportunity for it also helps me tap into my own feelings of worth even at this difficult time.

Service is very important in building a strong sense of self for it demonstrates to us our inherent goodness/kindness. Stay tuned tomorrow for how important this is in developing EI.

Engaging children in service is paramount in reducing bullying. Thanks for joining me on my Stop Bullying Blog. Please share your comments with me.

Working on link to my store. Stay tuned for that too!


Violence Once More/ We Have Yet To Stop It/Time To Try Something New

I watch CNN and listen to so many of their experts. Each of their responses is reactionary with little action take in a proactive demonstration of how we can address all the violence perpetrated upon children either by peers, parents, adults, and experts.

My voice will continue to address the need for raising a new generation of emotionally intelligent children and communities. Loss of life, integrity and respect comes in all forms and we need a new approach. Nothing else has worked. Please share my voice with those who have experienced bullying and who have been touched by this violence.

Your comments would be so appreciated! Karen

We Are The Voices We Hear

Hello CJs

This is a very important thought to keep in your consciousness. We only learn who we are from the voices we hear. The voices we hear as children enter our psyches and determine who we become as people. Some children never hear what is good and right with them. Generations past felt it wasn’t necessary to share positive thoughts with their children. Many of us grew up wondering what was right with us and yet knowing without a doubt what was wrong.

CJ teaches children that the best gift they give anyone is a gift of love, a kind and loving voice(a compliment), since it helps shape the people we become and how we feel about ourselves on a daily basis. EI people have empathy for others sharing positive thoughts. Children learn to experience empathy in this simple way. In learning to give gifts of love to their peers no matter what, they learn to empathize and care about the feelings of another.

So all my CJs, please share your comments…see how many gifts of love you can share today!

When You Give, You Get the Best Back!

Today was a great day! My friend Barbara, fellow member of the family council at Bancroft, and I were giving out gifts bought by family donations to their incredible staff. Smiles, thank yous, and excitement. But one man stood out today. As we wheeled out a dirt bike donated by a family member, he just stood overwhelmed for quite some time. Finally, he looked at us and said, “I don’t know what to say.” I said, “Just say thank you.” He looked up and with the softest voice said,” I am just so grateful.” Barbara said, “that meant even more than thank you.” I agreed. I love the saying that goes, “Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.”

I know with every fiber of my being that this is the only way to stop bullying. Engage people in giving and then let them experience the wonderful feelings of kindness, goodness and being lovable. It is not just important to engage them in service but to give them the feedback that shapes their worth. Stay tuned tomorrow as I share what EI attribute is connected to gratefulness and service.

Thank you for visiting with me on my Stop Bullying Blog. Please feel free to comment. Send me your stories and your thoughts.


Why Are Bullies Deprived/Lack of Gratefulness

Hello CJs,

In my last post, I said in the title that bullies were deprived and that is why they were not able to be grateful for who they are and for who other people are to them.

Bullies have not heard the voices that allow them to know themselves as good, kind and compassionate beings. They have been bullied themselves and it is all they know. Yes, we are the voices we hear. We act like the voices we hear. EI behaviors and activities teach how to interact with good, kind and compassionate voices. Learned as a child, it becomes who you are. These skills are not just part of our development, they must be learned.

Bullies have been deprived of all the voices that the EI behaviors and skills teach. Gratefulness is one of the skills that is so important in being emotionally intelligent. This skill helps you to persist in the face of frustration. For when things aren’t going your way, being grateful for all you have and are, gets you to the next action that takes you out of victim and delivers you to seeking help and moving forward.

Believe me, it works for being grateful has gotten me through the worst of times.
Looking forward to your comments!!!!


Why Do We Bully People Who Are Different?

Hello CJs,

We bully people who are different from us because they make us feel uncomfortable. Our comfortableness is present in sameness and commonalities.
In doing a pilot program with the Voices of CJ in several preschools, I created a way to overcome this. Each week the children had a new buddy. They had to spend that week with their buddy sharing different activities that helped them to feel comfortable with each other. An interesting thing happened. When a bully was paired with one of his targets, within a week, they were buddies and the bullying ceased between the two. Yes, it works.

Why do We Have So Much Bullying?

Hello CJs,

Bullying is an interesting phenomena. As we pass recipes and traditions down from one generation to another, we also pass our forms of communication and relating. It is what we do. It has become an even greater dilemma as we now have technology to help with the way we can taunt, tease, hurt, and gossip. It now goes viral in a matter of moments and that includes our youngest members of society too. Our children model our behaviors and our language. They also find new and creative ways to engage in an age old habit and manner of speaking.

Technology has also helped us to bring this problem to the awareness of many. This is good news and bad news. For it has only gotten worse with its exposure and its detrimental effects on so many.

We come into this world for the most part as basically loving and sensitive beings who have been desensitized throughout our upbringing and adult lives by blocking those feelings that are painful and yet we unconsciously play those feelings out in our behavior and actions in our families, workplaces and social arenas. Thank you technology for making it public.

However, we can now use technology in a very positive way. We can stop the generational passing on of these actions and behaviors that are hurtful and considered “bullying” by just becoming aware of how important it is to raise a new generation of children whose communication and relational actions are positive, loving, and sensitive to the fact that it is never okay to speak in voices that hurt and destroy the human spirit.

Thank you for joining me and helping me to start a movement that believes, “We Are The Voices We Hear!”

Please comment and join me in this movement. I so need your help. Please pass this on to whomever you think would appreciate or need this blog.


Why Gratefulness Diminshes The Need To Hurt Others

Hello CJs,

Being grateful, creates an interesting Emotional Intelligence attribute. Gratefulness especially during difficult times builds the ability to persist in the face of frustration. Hard times bring out the victim mentality in all of us. Being a victim of society ills is also a grim reality. What hampers our healing/moving forward, is getting stuck in the victim role reinforcing the negative thoughts/belief systems. Bullies themselves are victims of physical/emotional abuse. We can lash out to deplete the anxiety or internalize it,hurt ourselves. Teaching our children gratefulness,even bullies,will help them deplete this anxiety in a positive/uplifting way and diminish the need to hurt others.

Thank you for reading my Stop Bullying blog. Looking forward to your comments and sharing.